Monday, December 22, 2014

4 Years...

I'm going to be blunt. I have been struggling with depression since I was 16. Four years.

How's that for blunt? I think I did the word justice.

Moving on. Some of you are like "I've definitely seen you happy before." People with depression can be happy. Some people with depression can be very happy, and I won't deny that there are an uncountable number of instances in my life where I have been happy.

Depression is scary. It is your own thoughts tormenting you and telling you that everything you are terrified of is real. It is drowning while everyone else around you is breathing. It's that crazy ex-girlfriend (or boyfriend if you bat for the other team) that you think is gone and then drops in on your life at the most random and inconvenient times.

I have had to deal with the crazy ex-girlfriend named depression for four years, and I can't say that I've always dealt with it in healthy ways. Four years may not seem like a long time, and in all honesty it isn't. But it feels like it.

Depression does a really awesome job of making you focus on all the things about yourself that you hate. It makes you nit-pick all of your flaws and see all of your insecurities with 20/20 vision. And it sucks. It is a truly shitty feeling.

But I'm not writing about all of my flaws and insecurities today. Today I want to talk about the parts of me that I do like. I want to announce the parts of me that I like to the world (so... Facebook friends and Twitter followers). I am going to force myself to see the positive side of things. What's the worst thing that could happen?

I like having musical ability. TV shows like American Idol and The Voice (guilty pleasures) have taught me that not everyone does (yet sometimes those people end up winning). I complain about my music classes a lot but deep deep deep deep deep way deep down I would miss them if they weren't part of my daily life. AND I passed music history this semester. That was a serious concern. But I did it. I prevailed.

I like that I am an empathetic person. Despite my tendency to argue with some people a lot, I value my ability to see the views of other people. It allows me to appreciate the struggles of other people. And it reminds me that I never struggle alone.

I value my leadership skills, because apparently I have those. I love helping other people realize their potential and then use that potential to achieve whatever their heart desires.

I love that I can be bluntly honest. Lying doesn't accomplish shit. Unless you're a politician, then it gets you a job. You don't want to hear a hurtful truth? Don't ask me a question that might lead to one.

I like that I go to a school I love in a city I love and have a job that I love. Zip lining and climbing things is the shit. And really great stress relief. So if your group of 8 or more people is really stressed you should come to Venture Out and blow off some steam. I don't care if that was a shameless plug. It's my blog and I'll plug if I want to.

I like that I am a fiercely loyal friend. There are a select few people that could commit murder and I would gladly help them hide the body and then deny everything in court. Straight up lie on stand and to the faces of a jury. I wouldn't even bat an eye. I really really hope I never have to prove it, though. So please don't take this as a challenge, anyone.

I LOVE the fact that I have friends that I care about enough to help them hide a body if they were to commit murder (thought I'd strongly suggest they not do that). I love that I have friends who will so willingly talk me off of a ledge or go through the effort of brightening my day. I love that I have friends that don't judge me or treat me like I'm an oddity because of who I am or what I've been through. I love that some of them pull me out of a dark place without even realizing they did it. I love that I can laugh so effortlessly around them and just let all of my fears melt away for a while. I would not be where I am now without them.

So yeah. These are some of the things I just really really like about my life. Cool!

Have a happy holidays, valued reader.

-- Tyler

Today I found on Tumblr:

I'm aware of how inappropriate this is. That's why I picked it. Also because the witty reply was by "Tyelr" and that's really close to "Tyler" and "Tyler" is my name so it's almost like I said it and that's something I would say.

I'm going to shut up now.