Junior Year: Reflections and Final Thoughts

This post means that my junior year of high school is over... I couldn't be happier. My junior year has had some major highs and some very low lows. In hindsight, I don't think I would have traded this portion of my life for anything in the world. At all. I have grown into a stronger and arguably different person in the past 9 or 10 months. I've had experiences that have been incredibly life changing (both good and bad). I've met people, reconnected with friends, and I've refortified relationships with people that I was already blessed to have been friends with before this year started.

If I've learned anything in my 17 (almost 18, hallelujah) years of walking this small piece of the world, it's that you're never going to just have rainbows and smiles in your life. There were things that happened this year that were not so great. Hard classes, a lot of stress, depressing moments, among other things. However, I'm a firm believer in the theory that the sucky things in your life are there to make you stronger.

I've concluded that there were too many important things that happened this year, so I need to keep record of them, because these are moments I can't afford to forget. So here it goes. My list and analysis of the good and the ugly things that happened during the '11-'12 school year.

PLEASE NOTE: Not one of the things I'm about to discuss are being directed at any single person.

I prefer to start with the ugly things, so I can end on a good note.

The ugly:

-Stress. Stress stress stress stress. I don't think I've ever had so much stress in the course of one school year. Orchestra, youth symphony, grades, student council, people, myself. All of it was a contributing factor. Did I handle it well? You tell me. I don't trust myself to evaluate my stress management skills accurately.

-Silence. This was probably the hardest thing to deal with. More than once I endured (and caused) the silence and creation of barriers between me and other people. It sucked. Luckily I think most of those barriers were torn down. The silence left wounds though, and even though the wounds healed there are scars to serve as a reminder. Those experiences are a part of me now, and I'll carry them with me for the rest of time. Things probably won't ever be the same, but they're better than they were, and I'll take what I can get.

-Depression (not clincial... I don't think). I was depressed this year. A lot. My biggest enemy has always been my own thoughts, and the things I say to myself in my head. For the longest time I've constantly told myself "you're not good enough," "your friends don't really like you," "you'll never be the best," etc. It's a lot to recover from, but a lot of people have helped me do it, and I don't think they realize they did. So to those people: thank you. A lot. Now I know better. I am good enough. If my friends didn't like me, they wouldn't stick around. I'll always do my personal best.

The good (let the record show that I have no idea where to start):

- Youth Symphony. Hot damn. It all started with a 2 day retreat. I became a part of a group of incredibly talented and incredibly fun people. Sundays are so much fun, it's crazy. Whether we're talking about how badass Team Badass (that's the name of our group) is, or stabbing a certain someone's name-tag, we're having fun. It makes putting on that damn tux and playing in those concerts (which are fun, Kauffman Center waddup?) that much better. It's practically perf... ect (see what I did there, Sarah? HA!) Every time I hear the Tanhauser Overture or Scheherazade my breathing stops. I got to be a small part in making those pieces come to life. I'm so blessed.

- Student Council. I can't express how awesome it is to work with a group of leaders like the Liberty High School student council. There isn't a lot of groups that I would willingly get to school at 7 AM on a MONDAY for. We've all worked together to put on Homecoming, Courtwarming, Prom, and countless other events throughout the year. You're all fantastic. SPOILER ALERT: Next year is going to be off the hook, and a lot is changing. It's a good change though, I promise.

- Orchestra. So many good things happened during orchestra this year. I'm going to have to break it down even further.

* The viola section is doooooooooooooope. In a good way. Every piece for every concert the viola section gave 110%. On top of that we all got along really well, which was very very nice. I've never been prouder of a section. We took the Holberg Suite and made it our b****. Measure 21 was no match for us. HA. I'm so pumped for chamber orchestra next year. It's ridiculous.

* The quartet. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh quartet. Who gives a poop what that judge said? We sounded awesome... because we're awesome. We overcame the difficulties of rehearsal C and rehearsal D. Even if we don't do contest next year (sad day), I still think we should do something.

* Contest. After a dismal solo performance at state sophomore year I redeemed myself. I love Suite Hebraique. It's going to be a significant piece for me throughout the rest of my music career, I think. Yes, it's Jewish. Ernest Bloch was a genius. Thanks, Mr. Bloch. You're almost the best. My loyalties still lie with Max Bruch, though. That's next year. I'm excited.

* All-state. If you asked me if I thought I would qualify to All-state orchestra at the beginning of this year I would have laughed in your face and said no way would that happen. As first semester progressed I realized that I really wanted to make it, with a passion that was arguably unhealthy. I'll admit that everything besides viola took a back seat come November. Things like eating and breathing became insignificant. State was my goal. I don't know how I did it, but I did. I qualified to play a piece that I'm convinced was symbolic to a dead Russian composer's acid trip and spend 4 days living off of Burger King. Add that to the fact that I think I had the most obnoxious room mate possible, and I can attest to the fact that it was quite the experience. Would I do it again? Yes, in a heart beat.

- Religion. So for anyone that's known me for a while now probably knows that I claimed to be a hard core atheist. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Anyone that's bothered to continue to know me  would know that all of that stuff changed recently. I think I've finally discovered God. I'm not entirely sure what that means yet. I know that I'm a lot happier and my life feels a lot more stable. I know that I've been introduced to a youth group that has taught me a lot about what religion and a relationship with God means, as well as indirectly led me to discover a lot about myself on a more personal level. Hopefully I'll learn more over this summer. That's the plan, at least. Wednesdays are one of the days I look forward to the most now.

- New people. I've made quite a few new friends this year. Some have changed my life in a way that I don't think they'll ever quite understand, and I can't even begin to explain it. I owe you people a huge thank you. From the very bottom of that place where my heart is supposed to be, thank you so much.

- People that I already knew. The people that I knew before this year started... I feel like I've gotten a lot closer to some of them. There's not much else to say about it... heh.

- I've changed as a person. I'm not sure how many times I've said it in this post yet, but I'll say it again. This year I have changed a lot, and not just physically (my man boobs are gone, I've been told). I used to be a total people pleaser. Last year I became that sarcastic ass hole that was only concerned about myself. I think I'm starting to find a happy medium. I'm living my life for me still, but I've realized that my happiness comes from the happiness of the people I care about. I'm pretty much killing two birds with one stone at this point in the game. Winning.


Honestly I could sit here and write for days about how my life has changed this year, but I think this post is getting long enough. This year is probably the most influential year I've ever lived through... at least that I remember. As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm listening to the conclusion of the finale of Bruckner's 4th symphony, and I think it sums up what I'm feeling better than words can. So please, feel free to take a listen. It's honestly one of the most beautiful pieces I've ever heard and had the pleasure to play.

Check it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhRRvGZMgPY

Like I said, it sums up this whole year in a little under four and a half minutes, and it was written way before this year even happened. It's like magic or something.

I can't help but feel like this year was a major turning point. A door in my life has closed, and another one was just unlocked. I'm absolutely terrified to turn the handle and see what waits on the other side, but my only option is to continue moving forward, because I refuse to be stuck in limbo.

I don't know how to end this, because I think this signals the beginning of something new. I have a lot to learn still, and I don't think I'll ever stop learning.

 Here's hoping that this summer and senior year are everything we want it to be. It's a time for loving deeply, laughing often, conquering challenges, and spending time with the people we want to be around. A time to grow, make mistakes, and learn from them.

A time to have fun.

Our time.

This has been your friendly (usually) neighborhood Jewfro, signing off.

Stay classy.

--Tyler

With Arms Wide Open

It's been my experience that you make two kinds of friends in your life. The first group is simply friends. People you share common interests with. You might hang out occasionally. Play a game together, go to the pool, or whatever it is you and you all do. That's cool. This group, though, isn't a group that you open up to. It's not someone you would share your deepest fears and desires with. For me, anyone I'm friends with automatically gets thrown into this group until we have some magical moment of love and friendship (sorry if that's cliche) that moves them up to the next group...

The next group doesn't really have a word to describe it; at least there isn't one I can think of. They're your friends... but they're also a lot more than that. They're the people you can go to for anything. They're the people you share your thoughts with and they don't tuck tail and run away from you screaming. For me this group is tiny. Minuscule. On the atomic level. It consists of one maybe two people. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't just meet these people and think "hey, I'd like to confide in that person whenever I need to get something off my chest." Nope. Tyler tests the water before he swims. It takes time to connect with someone on that level and build up that kind of trust.

The biggest problem is that sometimes people are afraid to open up to another person because they'll realize that they belong in the "just friends that have things interests and go to the pool together" category. Hey. S*** happens. Either way you win because if you open up to someone you'll realize that either A. they're a person you can confide in or B. you can cross them off the list.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU GO AND CONFIDE IN THE RANDOM MAN DOWN THE STREET YOU'VE NEVER MET BEFORE.

You should have established a level of trust with the people you want to confide in first. Otherwise all of your horrible little secrets aren't exposed to the world. Friends don't make secrets, but real friends break the rules for you. Right? Right.

I think it's important to know that not everyone you confide in is going to open their arms wide and just let you right on in. Been there. Tried that. Doesn't work that way. Sorry. Meeting the people that do though makes it worth it. It offers a lot of support and structure for you mentally and emotionally to know that you have those people you can just fall back on.

Hopefully you already know someone that you can trust entirely. Personally I like to put that trust in someone I'm not related to and is closer to my age. They're a lot less likely to be biased or sugar coat things for you.

Yep. That's the end of my post. Not a dynamic ending, I know, but I got lazy and I really need to go to bed.

Don't do drugs.
--Tyler

The Little Things

If you found a quarter every day for a year you would have $91.25. I know that doesn't sound like a lot of money to accumulate over a year, but I think it's safe to say the little things can add up. I don't think people appreciate the little things in life as much as they should, because they're trying to move through their day too fast. A poem that was sent to me via e-mail back in middle school said something like this:

"Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic
flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading
night?

You better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Do you run through each day on the
fly
When you ask "How are you?"
do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his
sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting
there.
When you worry and hurry through your
day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away...

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over."

The little things in life matter. Personally the little things in life are what get me through some of my craziest days. That punch to the shoulder when I'm on my way to lunch, that ridiculous handshake after 6th hour, the jokes we tell at lunch, the sense of family and belonging at 7 o'clock on Monday mornings and during 2nd hour, all of those things seem small when viewed by a person who wouldn't understand. To me though, these incredibly small gestures are actually quite gargantuan. These things are what I focus on when things happen to start spiraling downwards. Now I want you to try it. Think of the little things that make you happy. The things that most other people would find insignificant. When life seems to start pushing you and telling you to move faster, slow down and start to appreciate the little things. They do count. Observe the world around you and take it in for what it is. I think we'd all find that there's more to appreciate than we first thought. 

Happy Easter! Stay in school.

--Tyler

Life Is Moving Too Fast

First off, let me just say that the Hunger Games was beautiful... and by beautiful I mean incredibly intense and action packed. It was a great movie.

Moving on...

So I was watching Lord of the Rings today and if you haven't seen the ending allow me to spoil it for you. THEY DESTROY THE RING AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE FROM THE ORIGINAL FELLOWSHIP BESIDES BOROMIR LIVE... well I mean... Gandalf died but his best friend GOD was like "sure bro, you can come back to life and keep doing what you do." So he did. I'm getting off track. At the end of the third and final movie (I can't say I ever finished the third book...) Frodo leaves Middle Earth with Gandalf, Bilbo, and two elves whose names really aren't important mostly because I can't spell them. So Frodo and his friends are just sitting there and they're crying and stuff because Frodo is leaving. Heart breaking.

While I was watching this incredibly touching scene I was thinking about how here pretty soon we're all going to graduate and I got this sinking feeling that there are people I'm either A) never going to see again or B) see very infrequently. Talk about depressing, because there's some really cool people that I get to spend time with every Monday through Friday from 7:45 until 2:50.

What I'm trying to say is I think my life is moving way too fast, and I would greatly appreciate it if it could just slow down a tiny little bit. It seems like just a little while ago I was some oblivious 6th grader who had absolutely no responsibility and not a care in the world and then all of a sudden BOOM. I have my driving permit and I'm learning how to drive. BOOM I have my licence and I'm driving alone. BOOM I got a job over the summer. BOOM the stress of Junior year just punched me in the face... metaphorically. Now it's March and after this summer I'm going to be a Senior and a legal adult. Then just one short year after that I'm going to be in some college located God-knows-where studying God-knows-what and I'm not sure how I feel about it. What if I go to college and my room mate is some stranger who eats bugs or enjoys Justin Bieber or something? What if I only get to see my best friends on some holidays and the occasional weekend because I had to come home and beg my parents for money because I'm a poor college student? What if I hate college?

What I'm trying to say is, everything is changing so fast. My life is flying by and I'm barely keeping up and I am scared. I am so scared it's ridiculous. I only have two summers and a school year to try and squeeze in as much bliss and memorable moments as possible before I'm thrust into the world of adult-hood.

So for everyone that is saying they can't wait to graduate from high school and get out of this town, think about the things here you love and ask yourself if you're ready to leave them behind. I'm not.

I'm not sure how to conclude this post because the events I'm afraid of haven't even started yet, and maybe I have nothing to be afraid of, but thinking about the future and all of the possibilities is incredibly overwhelming.

Here's hoping.

--Tyler 

A 2001 Piece Puzzle

I am convinced that one of the nicest things you can do for a person is make them feel like they belong. From experience I have learned that testing the water around a new group of people can be truly frightening because you don't know what they're going to be like and you don't know what they expect you to be like. I experienced this situation this past fall. A very good friend of mine invited me to go with his church to an event called Fall Brawl. First off, if you don't know me, you should know that throughout the majority of my seventeen-and-a-half years I have not been a religious person. At all. So when my friend asked me to hang out with his church, the sirens in my head started screaming: "WARNING, WARNING, DO NOT ENGAGE. I REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE." It's not because I dislike religion, actually I feel quite the opposite. I was afraid because I thought that the differences between me and this group of people would make things awkward at best.

I was wrong.

This group of kids may be one of the nicest, funniest, and most entertaining groups of people I've ever had the pleasure of getting to be around, and I'm glad to say that I still do get to spend time with them almost every week. Why? Because they made me feel like I belong. They didn't treat me like some friend of a friend that they had to tolerate. They welcomed me into the group and treated me like I felt like I belonged.

The point I'm trying to make here is that everyone should be able to feel like they belong to a group because nobody deserves to be alone. Feeling lonely sucks. Feeling like nobody cares also sucks. Feeling both at the same time royally sucks.

I want you to imagine a puzzle (you're about to see where I got this oh-so-clever title). Let's say it has... oh... I don't know... 2000 pieces (I like a challenge). But oh crap! The manufacturer made a mistake and gave you 2001 pieces. All 2001 pieces still fit together to make the same picture, though. Now are you going to A) do what the box says and only use 2000 pieces or are you going to B) make the extra effort to find the place where that 2001st piece fits? If you answered A then that's very unfortunate. You are such a conformist. Go hang your head in shame. If you answered B, however, congratulations. You are a gracious human being and if I had a gold star I would totally give it to you, because being piece number 2001 is not fun if it's only supposed to be a 2000 piece puzzle. But if the other 2000 pieces are nice and make you feel included it's one of the best feelings you could possibly imagine.

Moral of the story: Make the new kid feel welcome. Being around a group of total strangers is weird. Really weird. Weirder than Lindsey Lohan weird. Going that extra mile to include the new kid can really make their day brighter.

And to anyone from that church I mentioned earlier (you know who you are): Thank you so much. You have no idea what it means to me.

This has been your favorite non-Jew with a Jewfro (I like to think so, anyway), signing off.

--Tyler

It's My Opinion... I Don't Care If You Like It

An honest person is a person who tells the truth consistently. Here's the problem: as a society we like to block ourselves off from things that we don't want to hear. When someone asks for an opinion (such as, "what do you think of Rick Santorum?" or "what do you think of [insert name here]" or more recently "didn't Lindsey Lohan have a s*** show of a performance on SNL?" ... ok that last one isn't up for debate) and we don't like what they tell us, we get a lil' snippy... and by a "lil' snippy" I mean a crap ton o' snippy. We call that person "mean" or "rude" or (insert another name to call someone that didn't tell you the "right" opinion here). WHY? In today's society our opinions define us. Now you might be thinking "Tyler... you couldn't have made a dumber statement." Hear me out.

Why should our opinions take a toll on what people think of us? I'm not talking about stupid stuff like your favorite color or things as extreme as... I don't know... the opinion that kicking a small puppy should be socially acceptable. There are standards. I mean obviously navy blue is the best color there is... and of course it's socially acceptable to kick a small puppy... totally kidding... about the kicking puppies part. All joking aside though, I want you to really think about how much our opinions define us in this society. Things like religion and politics are creating a huge divider between people. It is quite honestly one of the most disgusting things I think I've ever had to witness. Personally I don't care what you believe. You can be a liberal, conservative, libertarian, communist, anarchist, whatever. I don't care. You can choose to believe in Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Atheism, or Jedism (maybe). I don't care. As long as you are a good open minded person who doesn't try to forcefully shove your political, religious, or other beliefs onto others we'll probably get along... unless you can't take a joke. Then we might have a tiny bit of a road block.

Now I know that me saying not to shove your beliefs onto other people may have shocked some of you... calm your cardiac related issues and keep reading. I am a firm believer of there being both a good way and a bad way to tell the world about your beliefs. The bad way would consist of you being a very stubborn person and flat out telling people their beliefs are wrong. Don't do that, I will personally beg of you not to do that to people because it makes me sick. The right way to tell someone about your beliefs is just to inform them. Don't tell them what they believe is right or wrong, try and reach a level of understanding with each other. When it comes to talking about beliefs I've found that it makes it a whole lot easier if you try and learn as much as you try and teach. I know this is possible because I am blessed enough to get to hang out with a lot of really cool people who have this concept down pat.

I won't sit here and pretend to understand why having an opinion is such a big deal in this generation. However I think that making an issue out of differing opinions is twelve different shades of stupid. Thinking that you can make anyone and everyone believe exactly what you believe (or even come remotely close to it) is a fool's hope and a waste of time. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move on.

Thanks for reading, I hope it wasn't a ton of senseless rambling.

Stay classy,
Tyler

I am my own worst enemy...

Do you remember an adult figure in your life ever teaching you how to deal with a bully? They would always say "the best way to get rid of a bully is to ignore them." I think that is the biggest pile of crap someone has ever tried to feed me.

Before you go and get all mad about how I just took a shot at one of the biggest pieces of advice we were given as kids, please allow me to explain myself. Yes, the occasional verbal insult from an insignificant person is something we can easily ignore and then continue on with our lives. Minimal to moderate verbal bullying is something that we can brush off. This is high school, it's something we've taught ourselves (I hope) to put up with. What about extreme verbal bullying? People say that if you ignore a bully eventually they'll get tired of teasing you and move on. Now, maybe I just have bad luck, but I've rarely experienced a situation where this is true. To me (because I am a very prideful person), extreme verbal bullying is worse than even physical bullying. I've found that words can hurt far more than fists (I'm ashamed to admit that I have used this to my advantage) in some cases, and I think I can easily say that it sucks. Being degraded by another human being really, truly, and forever will suck. Does this make me a hypocrite? Probably, and I wish people would call me out when I say things that are truly mean, because I'm too narrow minded to realize when I say it.

Better question: What if the person bullying you is you? Has a teacher or parent taught you how to deal with the bullying that comes from yourself? Can you truly ever ignore yourself? I know I can't. I frequently tell myself things like "you're annoying," "your friends are only hanging out with you to be nice," or, my favorite (sarcasm) "your friends are getting sick of you because you're so annoying, and only stay around you because they're too nice to ditch you." When it comes to me, I am by far my own biggest bully. I constantly put myself down and tell myself I'm not good enough for something. If you haven't experienced that... let me tell you, fighting against yourself... now THAT sucks. It hurts more than any punch or hurtful word you could receive from another person. If you have experienced this before, please know that you are by no means alone. One thing I've found that helps me stay positive is to make a list of ten things I genuinely like about myself. The list can consist of anything. My love for music, my awesome friends, and my can't give up attitude are all on my list. Keep this list in a place where it's easy to access and you'll see it every day (in your wallet, on your mirror, etc.). Those ten little items can make it so much easier for you to tell the bully inside of you to "shut the f*** up."